The Christmas season post-divorce can be both challenging and rewarding, especially when it comes to co-parenting. As your Divorce Doula, I’ve gathered insights and strategies to help you navigate this time with grace, fostering a healthy and positive environment for you and your children.
1. Embrace Well-being
Take care of your physical and mental health. I know this is simple but we dismiss simple things (sleep, food, exercise, connection) because we think they’re simplistic and won’t make a difference. I promise you, they do! I’ve seen the positive impact it has had time and time again for me and for every client I’ve worked with. Having said that, it can be remarkably hard to follow simple things CONSISTENTLY and persistently -*and* this is the KEY to positive wellbeing. Creating a daily habit at the same time every day and setting the bar low to something really manageable at first will help you realise you can prioritise yourself. A simple morning routine of meditation for just 5 minutes, going to bed half an hour earlier and getting up 15 minutes earlier can set a positive tone for the day, making you more resilient and present for your children.
2. Learn to Say ‘No’
Remember, you are parenting solo (even if you are a coparent) when you have the children, respecting your energy is important for a happier holiday season. Reflect on your bandwidth for socialising and making external commitments in this new phase of your life. It’s okay to opt for quieter celebrations. One client found joy in a low-key Christmas Eve with her children, creating a night of intimate bonding over movies, hot chocolate and a new book rather than attending a large family gathering. He found Christmas Day so much easier to navigate with more energy!
3. Effective Co-parenting Communication
Plan with your ex-partner in advance. Discuss and agree on schedules, traditions, and gift-giving to avoid confusion. One client I worked with decided to split the holiday – one getting Christmas and one getting New Years ensuring both had meaningful time with their children. At first she struggled with not spending Christmas Day with them until she created a new tradition of going away when it was not her turn and taking it as an opportunity for new adventures!
4. Keep It Child-Centered
In every decision, consider what’s best for the children. And then, listen to their wishes and incorporate them into your plans. This approach ensures they feel valued and heard during the holiday transitions. Also, try to be flexible. Children will experience heightened and mixed emotions (like you!) that they struggle to regulate during this period, it’s a lot to adjust too. Just keep an open mind (hence why point No.1 is so important!) and remember, with time, life will settle and much happier times are waiting for you all.
5. Create New Traditions
Forge new traditions that reflect your new journey. Get your children involved with what these new traditions can be and each year, introduce another one. In my family, each member takes a turn in introducing a new tradition and it’s a beautiful gift that can be passed on for generations to come! A father I worked with started making ‘Monkey Bread’ (a tradition he magpied from his American cousins at thanksgiving!) with his children to share with friends, a small gesture that brought immense joy and a sense of community.
6. Connect with Others
Resting and respecting your bandwidth as a single parent at this time of year is important but the pitfall you want to avoid is isolating yourself. The loneliness makes everything harder and it doesn’t have to be this way. Reach out to your carefully selected community. Intentionally consider which friends or family members will offer a supportive shoulder or a listening ear. This connection can be incredibly comforting during the holidays. And remember; your community can be just two people you have meaningful connection with and trust. It doesn’t have to be a room full of people!
7. Volunteer Your Time
If it’s your ex’s turn to have the children this Christmas, volunteering can provide a new perspective and sense of purpose. For one client, the idea of Christmas without her children was unbearable at first. We looked at her options. Spending time with other family and their children was NOT what she wanted to do as much as she loved them. We eventually discovered a local night shelter that needed volunteers in the kitchen for Christmas day. She’s never looked back and this year, she’s helping out at her local Mosque.
8. Practice Gratitude
Christmas after divorce with family is not going to be the same. For some of you, the festive period will become more peaceful and joyous. For many families, it takes time to find a new ‘normal’ at Christmas time that everyone looks forward to. This is more common than you realise and why practicing gratitude is such a necessary practice, especially at this time of year. Find small things to be thankful for each day. Gratitude can significantly lift your spirits and improve your overall well-being. A father I worked with recently discussed how magical Christmas was pre divorce and said ‘its just not the same anymore.’ He practiced gratitude for how his life has transformed and his relationship with his children. A year on from divorce and he reflects how different life would have been (a negative outcome) had he not had the courage to end an unhealthy marriage. Another parent I work with practices gratitude with her children every day at story time. It’s now part of their daily routine, not just for Christmas.
9. Honor Your Emotions
Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions including the uncomfortable ones, especially the uncomfortable ones! Remember, it’s okay to have mixed emotions during this season. You’re rebuilding a new life you love for you and your family, that’s a journey of strength and patience. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend can help. And of course, there’s always Farhana My Divorce Doula to reach out to and hold your hand for a while.
10. Respect Each Other’s Time
Respect the time your children spend with their other parent. A sense of safety inwardly for the child is paramount and they need to feel and believe that there is no conflict between you and the other parent when it comes to child arrangements. It’s important for them to feel loved and wanted in both homes free of any worries or guilt.
11. Unified Front on Gift-Giving
Coordinate with your ex-partner on gifts to avoid competition or duplication. It shows your children that both parents are working together for their happiness.
12. Manage Expectations
Be realistic about what the holidays will look like post-divorce. It might be different, but it can still be a season of joy and new beginnings. Remember, these two things;
A. children won’t remember the gifts you got them. They’ll remember how they felt, safe and loved.
B. You know what’s best for you and your family. Do not be distracted by the ‘shoulds and musts,’ people’s expectations or worrying what they will say. Every family’s situation is unique and what other people think is best for you isn’t always best for you – trust yourself more fully.
This Christmas, as you navigate co-parenting and create new memories, remember that you’re not alone. These strategies can help you and your children experience the joy and peace of this festive season.
Looking for guidance, support, and a community that gets it? Whether you prefer personalized coaching or the collective strength of group sessions, I’m here to help. Click here to explore all the ways we can work together towards a life you love post-divorce.